Why do people ghost?

I always imagined that dating would come more naturally to me in college than it did in high school, but it wound up playing out as a vicious cycle of matching with a cutie from class, messaging back and forth for a bit, and never hearing from them again. Or, more depressingly, hooking up with said cutie and being left on read once they got what they wanted. The cherry on top of it all was constantly running into unsuccessful matches on campus because the number of people attending my college could fit in a small pond.

If you thought dating was hard for just you, you are wrong. According to Pew Research Center, 67% of daters say that, overall, things in their dating life are not going too well, with 75% of daters saying they have found it either very or somewhat difficult to find people to date in the past year.

Living in an era dominated by swipes and instant accessibility, it's become almost second nature to regard the people we connect with online as transient and insignificant as the initial swipe was. Needless to say, I have had my fair share of ghosts. Being ghosted hurt my ego especially — one that was already somewhat fragile due to various unresolved childhood issues. And yet I am also guilty of ghosting. Despite the harsh nature of disappearing on people, there is an element of control and freedom that comes with ending a situationship or a dating app match with ease and without any back and forth or explanation.

Although people on the internet are increasingly advocating for clear and healthy communication these days, ghosting feels like it's here to stay (at least for now).

According to Jennifer Chaiken, LMFT, host of the Shrink Chicks podcast and co-owner of The Therapy Group, "People favor ghosting because it shields them from the discomfort of initiating difficult conversation. When faced with rejecting someone in person, they are additionally burdened with confronting the emotional distress experienced by the person being rejected. Ghosting serves as a form of avoidance, enabling them to bypass these challenging emotions and maintain a sense of emotional security." Chaiken continues, "Ghosting becomes a default approach, stemming from their perceived inadequacy in communication abilities. It's important to note that breaking things off with someone or rejecting them also demands effort, time, and emotional energy. This process involves meticulously planning conversations, selecting appropriate language, and actively engaging with the other person. In contrast, ghosting requires none of these investments, making it a more enticing option for those seeking to preserve their personal resources."

To be clear, you’re not ghosting or being ghosted if boundaries have been drawn and ignored, abuse is present, or any other number of ongoing and unfixable toxic issues are at play and other options are no longer reasonable. But when it is a case of true ghosting? It can hurt.

Despite the pain it can cause, it’s important to remember to not take ghosting personally. The fact that the individual struggles with communication to the extent of ghosting tells you a lot about where they are, specifically with their emotional availability and maturity. Behavior like this is evidence that a healthy relationship would not have been possible with the person — allow that to be all of the closure you need. Chaiken notes, "Rejection is not personal to you and someone ghosting has everything to do with their inability to confront or approach difficult conversations or invest time into having those conversations with you. Take it as a sign that this wasn't the right fit, given that you are most likely looking for someone with productive communication skills."

A study by the University of Georgia set out to find if people's need for closure can magnify the emotional aftermath of being ghosted. They discovered that ghosting was a negative experience for almost every one of the participants on the receiving end of the breakup. More uniquely, however, the people who yearned for closure felt more intense, negative effects of ghosting.

During a breakup, burying yourself in your existing passions or taking up a new hobby is a great way to distract yourself and get on a path toward mending your broken heart. Instead of focusing on getting closure on the details of the breakup, try to throw yourself into self-discovery and self-preservation. Closure can come from within.

A viral trend on TikTok is going around called "bro hurt me so bad I––." The meme speaks to going through a breakup and being left with no choice but to focus on yourself and your interests. For example, "bro hurt me so bad I actually started exploring my hobbies, interests, and passions," or my personal favorite, "bro hurt me so bad I enjoy the stairmaster." And though trite, there is some truth to the trend.

The best option after getting ghosted is acceptance and to ask yourself, "Is this really someone I want to be with?" Emmalee Bierly, LMFT, and Chaiken’s partner at the Shrink Chicks podcast and The Therapy Group, believes you should "spend time processing your feelings, understanding what it brought up for you and where that comes from, surround yourself with love and comfort, and give yourself time."

Whether you are a ghoster, have been ghosted in the past, or have done both, developing your communication skills will serve you in all aspects of life, not just dating. Step into your communication in all relationship types with clarity, empowerment, kindness, and integrity. If the relationship is not serving you, express yourself and communicate where you’re at to the other person. Not only is healthy communication like this the respectful way to go, but it also can ease your mind and significantly shrink the number of awkward run-ins down the line.

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