This is how breakup songs help process grief
by Vartika Puranik
Illustration by Jesse Einhorn-Johnson. Our nonprofit generates funding in multiple ways, including through affiliate linking. When you purchase something through an affiliate link on this site, the price will be the same for you as always, but we may receive a small percentage of the cost.
The psychological shock of a breakup isn’t limited to any single thought or emotion. Romantic heartbreak triggers a multitude of intense emotions and stirs up unpleasant experiences for many — sadness, anger, disappointment, confusion, worry, anxiousness, frustration, fear, hopelessness, and fatigue. According to a 2019 study on the effects of breakup stress on depression symptoms, sudden loss and lack of positive affect are two elements of heartbreak with strong correlations to depression.
Romantic breakups and their effect on mental and physical health
Increased stress hormones after a breakup can lead to cortisol dysregulation that can cause insomnia, unfavorable changes in the immune system, increased heart rate, and blood pressure. Studies have found that chest pain and heaviness can be common among some people undergoing a traumatic romantic breakup. This happens because the alteration in some brain activities may be similar to drug withdrawal experience — dopamine and oxytocin withdrawal.
Some people also experience an abrupt shift into uncertainty in their sense of self, causing them to lose clear purpose or wonder who they are without the other person. Diminished clarity around their self-concept is a distinct predictor of emotional distress after a breakup.
According to a study focused on social rejection and pain, the same regions of the brain that get activated when someone experiences physical pain are involved in various activities during a breakup. Researchers attribute this to the fact that both parasympathetic and sympathetic systems get stimulated. The sympathetic activation system, known as the fight-or-flight response, accelerates palpitations. On the other hand, the parasympathetic activation system, commonly known as rest-and-digest response, relaxes the body and slows the heart down. When the systems work simultaneously, it often sends the brain out of sync.
A perceived inordinate loss as a result of breakup can send people into a state of grief. It’s not wise to suppress intrusive thoughts and feelings associated with bereavement. Doing so might harm mental and physical health — broken heart syndrome, endocrine and immune dysfunction, depression, and anxiety. Breakup songs offer a safe way to process grief and help with healing.
Jesse Einhorn-Johnson
The rise of breakup songs
Breakup songs have long been popular and the Spotify era has only further cemented that. Songs about heartache consistently top the streaming music charts — “Flowers” by Miley Cyrus, “Bzrp Music Sessions, Vol. 53” by Shakira, “Kill Bill” by SZA, and “Lover” by Taylor Swift are just some of the many examples. In fact, less-recent breakup songs like “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by Joy Division, “Someone Like You” by Adele, “After You’ve Gone” by Dinah Washington, “Back to Black” by Amy Winehouse, and many more (including much older tunes than these) still trend. All of the songs listed here by name are in the Billboard “Best Breakup Songs” list as of 2023.
But why do people love breakup songs? Why are they so successful? How do breakup songs help with the grieving process?
Breakup songs can aid the healing process by providing an outlet to relive, experience, understand, and release intense emotions in a way that makes sense. “They have a cathartic function and allow us to free up or release emotions that have been building up,” says Eloise Skinner, existential psychotherapist and founder of The Purpose Workshop.
Breakup songs evoke many emotions including nostalgia and catharsis. “Two of the most important emotions for moving through a loss,” says Lily Thrope, LCSW and founder of Thrope Therapy. The brain has several internal dialogues as it processes loss. These might show up as spiraling thoughts, rumination, stress, and sadness. The thoughts and feelings initiated and propelled by breakup songs activate different brain regions.
Music centered on this type of loss can also help with emotional reflection as it offers us a mirror to review our emotions, according to Bayu Prihandito, certified psychologist and founder of Life Architekture.
These kinds of songs not only offer us a mirror, but also offer a great channel for affirming and validating our emotions. “This process is similar to finding comfort in talking to a friend who's been through a similar breakup,” says Prihandito.
The essence of relatability in breakup songs can cause feelings of solidarity, Skinner explains. When processing a loss, the brain maintains its well-being through the feelings of oneness and recognizing that we aren't alone in this universal experience. When we're able to see ourselves in other people's stories, the virtual allyship and connection to them can help us to process trauma faster, Thrope says.
Breakup songs can also boost self-worth, empower people, and help transition from one stage to the next one. They can present us with a moment of epiphany that we're strong enough to get through this. "More upbeat, hopeful, or independence-focused breakup songs remind us that the future can be better," says Skinner.
The neuroscience behind breakup songs and emotional processing
Evidence shows people listen to sad/emotional songs to regulate their emotions, find comfort, feel connected, and relax. Two of the key cerebral cortex areas that help process feelings, the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and the insular cortex, are involved in the processing of emotions related to sadness. Several studies have reported heightened activities in these areas when listening to music that centers brokenhearted and disappointed feelings. Unpleasant experiences are also linked to the hippocampus, parahippocampal gyrus, and amygdala because greater activity was observed in these areas during the processing of emotional stimuli in some studies. Really stepping into feeling these feelings assists in being able to gradually let go of them. The same task also involves the thalamus, which increases cerebral blood flow, and the caudate nucleus, which has a strong dopamine neuron input. Both of these get activated when people listen to sad songs.
Things to keep in mind about listening to breakup songs
Just like everything else in life, a balanced approach is needed when it comes to listening to breakup songs. While during the initial stages of a split, it’s completely normal to deep dive into the world of breakup songs. It is also important that you take note of how that music is affecting your emotional state. Songs that allow for us to see our situations from different perspectives can be a good direction to explore whereas one-sided, wallowing views can intensify feelings of despair, anger, and anxiety. “Music is an excellent tool for processing emotions, but shouldn’t be used as a crutch,” says Prihandito.
Coming up with the perfect breakup playlist can also be therapeutic. For those who need a little help finding the perfect songs, playlists for different stages of breakup and grief are available online, like this one curated by Rachel Fleischman, psychotherapist and registered expressive arts therapist.
Or this one, curated by us: